April / May 2004

Artfully Educating the
Hearts of Grieving Children
— Anne Black

The heart of the adult must open alongside that of the child—
so together, they can fully explore life—and death—and love.

When children are touched by death for the first time—or anytime—they come in contact with the mystery of life, with a sea of swirling emotions, and go in search for those who can help them navigate their changing world—internally and externally. Our children are faced with new challenges and losses that will shape who they become and how they will view the world.

THIS DRAWING REVEALS A 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL’S LIFE. SHE FEELS IN A HOLE; HER MOTHER DIED 3 MONTHS AGO FROM AIDS; HER FATHER IS IN PRISON (LOWER LEFT) AND IS APPARENTLY SELFABSORBED;HER HEART IS BROKEN; THE SUN IS DARKENED; AND THE STICK FIGURES IN THE LOWER RIGHT ARE HER AUNT, AUNT’S BOYFRIEND, SISTER, AND TWO COUSINS, WITH WHOM SHE LIVES.

As educators, parents, mental health practitioners, and concerned adults, we know that children need our guidance to help them master death awareness and emotional literacy skills. Otherwise, a child’s natural curiosity can be suppressed, and emotional numbness can result. Additionally, children need adults who have done the needful work to support them in remaining emotionally present and spiritually open in the face of death.

Children do not grow up fearing death when it is openly discussed and processed. Sadly, a high percentage of our children are not included in conscious death-andgrieving practices. Consequently, primary prevention programs in our schools is a paramount need, to teach children the necessary skills to emotionally survive in a world that increasingly exposes them to loss on a large scale, so that they can grow through such losses—open

and engaged.

A PRIMARY PREVENTION

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When Penelope Simpson and I serendipitously met in 1989, we recognized an unmet need—supporting and strengthening grieving children. Each time we came together and explored ways to help children process their losses, a synergy increased, opening us to “something greater than ourselves.” Blending our respective educational, psychological, and creative legacies, we created The HEALS Program (formerly Hospice Expressive Arts Loss Support) in 1990 and The Center for Creative Healing in 1993. Penelope and I were passionate to find effective ways to teach death education, provide bereavement support, offer death crisis interventions, and use the expressive arts to instill social and emotional literacy skills.

The Art of Healing Childhood Grief: A School-based Expressive Arts Program, first written in 1990, has evolved into a comprehensive bereavement and expressive arts curriculum guide to help facilitators easily reference specific grief situations and age groups. The manual is rich with activities and expressive arts approaches, and is now in its fourth edition.

TEACHERS GRIEVE FIRST As we began working with grieving children in educational settings, we concurrently began training school counselors, therapists, and volunteers to work through one of their own losses. These trainings increased the pool of those who were instructionally and emotionally able to facilitate this heartfelt (and artful) approach. Each training unveiled the vast losses carried in the human mind, body, and heart—and the many losses rooted in childhood.

While death education is the cognitive focus of the HEALS curriculum, expressive arts is the cornerstone. The art therapies give children access to a more easily understood language—their bodies. We quickly discovered that as children used their bodies through movement, art, sound, and writing, along with meaningful ceremonies, they were able to explore and release thoughts and feelings held in their inner world.

With practice, we noticed that children became more creatively able to express themselves in the arts. Additionally, the children became more facile in expressing themselves verbally. As these children were held within a circle of caring classmates or friends, they became able to be vulnerable, to share their stories, thoughts, and feelings—and to discover, with respect, the inner world of others.

Over a two-year span, HEALS began responding to a wide spectrum of death crises. Our hearts broke open, quickening our individual transformations, as we supported:

~ an elementary school where two teachers were murdered ~ a high school where a Romeo and Juliet double suicide occurred

~ a day care center where a fouryear- old boy accidentally died beneath a car driven by his father

~ a parochial school where a 2nd grader’s mother committed suicide

~ a high school where a beloved principal died

~ third and fifth grade classrooms where a student died from leukemia (her brother’s class was also affected)

~ close friends of a high school student who committed suicide after being diagnosed with terminal cancer

~ a multicultural group where a member’s father was shot by a policeman and died during a highspeed chase.

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Each crisis became our teacher (and humanizer), as we humbly and

compassionately entered into a stunned school that was looking for help to navigate the storm. In a few schools, we were proactive and peacefully confronted ingrained patterns of denial and resistance. Fortunately, in most cases, as we professionally sat with educators and explained our program and how we work with children, a confidence and a relief was experienced—and a collegial relationship developed.

THE HEALS FRAMEWORK As we explored the childhood loss literature, we decided to expand Sandra Fox’s four-part Good Grief Program to meet our objectives. The school-based bereavement program was designed to guide children through the following eight sessions:

SESSION I: WE ARE NOT ALONE WITH OUR LOSS Acknowledges that each member in the group has experienced a loss and gives an opportunity to share their loss and to determine any areas of question, concern, confusion, or misunderstanding.

SESSION II: TELLING THE STORY Provides an opportunity for each child to tell where they were when they first learned about their significant person’s death—how they found out—and to explore how they felt at that time.

SESSION III: GRIEVING THE LOSS— FEELING THE FEELINGS Increases the child’s awareness of how people commonly feel and behave when someone or something they care about dies, and acknowledges that the feelings related to loss may be varied and difficult to have and/or share.

SESSION IV: TAMING THE WILD THINGS Teaches that anger, fear, guilt, and worry are often natural responses when we lose someone or something special, and instructs on how to safely access and express uncomfortable feelings.

GRIEVING CHILDREN SESSION V: FAREWELL RITUALS AND UNFINISHED BUSINESS Provides the opportunity for children to express and complete any unfinished business they may have with their significant person.

SESSION VI: COMMEMORATION Gives the child an opportunity to affirm the value of the life lived by the person who died.

SESSION VII: THE JEWELS WITHIN: TREASURING OURSELVES Reminds the children that they are strong and powerful—each unique in their own way—with wise and creative resources that can be called forth when needed.

SESSION VIII: THE HARVEST CEREMONY Honors and witnesses all that has been done during the HEALS sessions, both individually and as a group, reminding the children that the techniques and skills learned in The HEALS Program can be used at any time in the future when their feelings need to be safely expressed. And finally the children receive permission to go on. Child-centered expressive arts are woven into each session to help the children explore their inner worlds. When done with awareness and mindfulness—art, movement, sound, and writing let children practice with resources they can use whenever strong emotions begin to block their creative energy.

LIVING IN A FOSTER HOME (UPPER RIGHT), THE 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL WHO DREW THIS REMEMBERS A HAPPIER TIME BEFORE HER GRANDMOTHER DIED (HOUSE ON LEFT).

LIGHTING THE FIRE When asked why I have a burning desire to work with children during times of loss, my thoughts automatically return to what I needed as a kindergartner after watching a car kill my puppy Daisy. Even though my parents were warm, caring people, they were uncomfortable and unable to help me process and express my feelings of loss. In fact, there was no mention of Daisy’s death for forty years, until I told my mother the story to which she responded, “Oh, Anne, I hoped you had forgotten!”

We don’t forget our losses— especially the unexpressed ones. Consciously or unconsciously, these losses go with us. These losses become woven into the fabric of our being and into our emotional bodies, shaping our internal and external worlds.

Daisy’s death had a profound impact on me. Daisy’s death lit a fire in me, a fire that has spread to others, a fire committed to speaking what is true with children, no matter how difficult or how gruesome the situation, a fire that ignited my passion to educate the hearts of children, giving them creative tools so they can express their thoughts and feelings—not just now, but when future losses occur.

WORKING WITH MULTICULTURAL TEENS When Sam, a member of the AWARE multidiversity group, lost his father, I was invited to provide a HEALS process for him, seven other group members (including his cousin whose mother died from AIDS two months earlier), and their African American school counselor. High school students can be tough, so I played some hip, mellow music as they entered the room.

Children of any age respond to aesthetics. These high school students were no exception, as they were immediately engaged and curious looking at the objects d’art in the center of our circle. After setting the tone and establishing why we had come together, I invited each person to draw one of their most significant losses or a loss they would like to spend some time exploring. Paper in different sizes, cray-pas, markers, pastels, and water colors were made available, and they enthusiastically began.

A 12-year-old boy shows what he outwardly projects to the world (left) and what he feels inside his body (right).

While music filled the silence, the room felt deep and respectful as each student engaged in their drawing. After twenty minutes, all were invited to share their artwork—if that honored what they wanted. Everyone, with the exception of Sam’s cousin, openly and honestly talked about their picture and loss.

Sam’s loss was fresh. His father had just been released from prison when he stole a car and was shot by a policeman during a chase. Sam was full of rage. We spoke about safe ways to release strong emotions, and he promised not to do anything stupid. After the students left the classroom, the counselor committed to carefully monitoring Sam and then shared that he’d learned more about these students in 45 minutes than during the past three years. Then he added, “Now I know why your work is called HEALS!”

Time and time again, as openings are created for children to tell their stories, draw their stories, dance their stories, and give sound to their stories, we have been astounded by what came tumbling forth—juicy, rich emotion. Each time a tormenting story was unearthed from the recesses of a child’s inner world, we simultaneously rejoiced and cried.

BRINGING FORTH THIS WORK New programs have developed from our initial curriculua, such as The HEALS Pet Loss Program and The Children in Changing Families Program. Other programs are developing, but the core approach is constant: When we create safe spaces for each of us to be open and vulnerable— healing occurs.

This powerful energy continues to inform us that we are not alone. A “creative power” is helping to bring this healing work into our world, a world where pain and suffering are part of our everyday existence. We do not want to deny the pain and suffering in this world, nor do we want to become fixated on it.

Instead, we want to shine a light on what life brings, so children can learn that everything can be discussed, explored, felt and expressed.

Using the expressive arts is a powerful way to help children creatively understand their inner world and to move the energy held within each human emotion. As children learn to navigate the ebb and flow of life, they are more able to remain open and connected to the most precious part of their being—their heart. And as the hearts of children open, petal by petal, they come to discover that life and death—joy and sorrow— are all part of the dance of life—and they can be resilient, compassionate, expressive dancers choreographing their own creative journey through this world.

ANNE BLACK, Ph.D., holds a doctoral degree in thanatology and community psychology from The Union Institute, a master’s degree in education, and certificates of study in art therapy from the New England Art Therapy Institute in Massachusetts and the Person-centered Expressive Arts Therapy Institute in California. Since 1996, Dr. Black has been serving as president of Comfort Baskets, Inc., offering condolence resources, and as editor of Conscious Grieving magazine. For more information, you may e-mail Anne at anne@comfortbaskets.com