COUPLE THERAPY OR COUNSELLING

Sometimes it is best for a couple to come together, rather than separately, for counselling or therapy. This will particularly be the case where one partner blames the other for his or her problems. The couple may be married or unmarried, homosexual or heterosexual, and may have been together for a few months or many years. There may be one therapist or two co-therapists.

Couple counselling tends to focus on the area of communication; what do the partners communicate, and how do they communicate it? Often the problem is simply lack of communication - the partners don't know how to listen to each other, and sometimes don't even know how to talk to each other. So quite often it is a matter of teaching the skills of communication.

Between men and women, there are often quite specific mistakes which each gender makes about the other, and these have been much studied in recent years. Men, for example, often want to solve problems as quickly as possible, while women want to explore them from all angles. Both of these approaches, of course, are appropriate at different times, and it is a pity to get locked in to just one type of response.

But when couples do communicate, it is often in ways which produce the opposite effect from that intended. He tells her how to be a better person; she hears it as a put-down. She tells him how to improve; he hears it as an attack. Once a fight starts, it is often the case that the parties don't fight fair, and they can be taught the skills of fair fighting. So this is one level, and surprisingly much can be achieved simply by dealing with these superficial matters.

The imagination is very powerful, and it is always worth looking at the question of what each partner imagines about the other. What is the visual or other image which comes to mind as they look at the partner? It is often the case that the person is relating to this image, and not to the real partner at all.

Emotional issues are also very important, and may come out through a more childish part of each person. If each person has an inner child who needs to be looked after from time to time, that works fine if partners take it in turns. The trouble comes when both inner children need looking after at the same time: neither of them can get what they need from the other. Once this is understood, however, something can be done about this situation.

At a deeper level, we may start looking for the more hidden questions. It may turn out that the partner has all the necessary skills to communicate well, but still doesn't do it. They may have quite positive and appropriate images of the partner. But it is as if there were a compulsion to get it wrong. This very often has to do with the question of control. Here it may be best to move to some individual sessions with the individual concerned, to find out where this compulsion comes from. Now that it has come out so clearly as a problem, the person may be willing to work on it. This can be a political question as well as an individual one, and some political awareness is important here for the therapist. It is important not to reinforce stereotypes in an unaware fashion.

Sexual issues may of course be important, though it is often the case that these are a symptom rather than a cause of the couple's problems. Once there is clear communication between the partners, the sexual problems may be quite easy to solve. It is possible, in cases where difficulties still remain, to give exercises and homework which can deal with them quite quickly. Some humanistic practitioners do this themselves, while others refer couples to specialist sex therapists.

It is no function of the couple counsellor to keep the couple together at all costs. A good ending to the relationship may be just as valuable as a good continuation of it. Either is better than a bad continuation. Of course, in some cases there will be children to complicate the issue of separation. In such cases the humanistic approach is to involve the children if at all possible, so that they can express their own point of view and be heard. At this point it turns into one form of family therapy.

BOOKLIST

Abbott, Franklin (ed)(1990) Men and intimacy The Crossing Press, Freedom. A wide-ranging and useful compilation by many authors. Politically aware.

Button J (1985) Making love work: A radical approach Turnstone Press, Wellingborough. A good book based on group workshops.

Campbell S M (1980) The couple's journey: Intimacy as a path to wholeness Impact Publishers, San Luis Obispo. Five stages of a couple's progress.

Chaplin, Jocelyn (1993) Love in an age of uncertainty Aquarian, London. A recent and poetic book with transpersonal insights.

Chasin, Richard, Grunebaum, Henry & Herzig, Margaret (1990) One couple, four realities The Guilford Press, New York. A fascinating book for the therapist - four therapists work with the same couple.

Gersh A (1990) Deeply touched inside: Metaphors of sex and love H P Press, London. A newer book with some fresh ideas. Gray, John (1992) Men are from Mars, women are from Venus Harper/Collins, New York. Tells it how it is. Based on workshops. Unpolitical.

Greenberg L S & Johnson S M (1988) Emotionally focused therapy for couples Cassell, London. Very specific and helpfully arranged.

Hough, Arthur (1991) Let's have it out: The bare-bones manual of fair fighting Comp-Care Publishers, Minneapolis. Based on the idea of George Bach, but more up-to-date language.

Keen S (1985) The passionate life Gateway Books, London. Gives details of five stages of erotic personal development.

Lerner, Harriet (1989) The dance of anger: A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships Thorsons, London. A very fine rundown, easy to read and very relevant.

Mearns, Dave & Dryden, Windy (eds)(1990) Experiences of counselling in action (Chapters 4 & 9) Sage, London. Two very interesting chapters.

Reichman, Rosalie (1989) The stranger in your bed Wiley, New York. A self-help book on how to break down the barriers to intimate relationships.

Satir V (1976) Making contact Celestial Arts, Millbrae A deceptively simple book which makes some profound points. Schaef, Anne Wilson (1986) Co-Dependence: Misunderstood, mistreated Harper & Row, San Francisco. A brilliant book on the problems of codependency.

Scher M et al (eds)(1987) Handbook of counselling and psychotherapy with men Sage, Newbury Park. Has chapters on gay men and bisexual men, and single fathers.

Schršder, Thomas (1989) 'Couples counselling' in Dryden et al (eds) Handbook of counselling in Britain Routledge, London. An up-to-date account of what is done.

Relationship as teacher, healer and guide New World Library, San Rafael. A little bit simplified, but has some very good ideas.